Witty and funny Religious quotations . . . click on the authors’ names for more.

Abraham Lincoln :
“When I hear a man preach, I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.”

Ann Landers :
“The Lord gave us two ends . . . one to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.”

Bob Hope :
“The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.”

“If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast.  If God wants to play through, let him.”

“I do benefits for all religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality”

Cathy Ladman :
“All religions are the same. Religion is basically guilt, with different holidays.”

Dave Barry :
“The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.”

Dennis Miller :
“Born again? No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time!”

“Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.”

Dorothy Parker :
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”

Elayne Boosler :
“The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.”

“My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for 40 years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.”

Erica Jong :
“God made woman beautiful and foolish; beautiful, that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him.”

George Bernard Shaw :
“Why should we take advice on sex from the Pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!”

George Burns :
“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.”

George Carlin :
“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.”

“Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!”

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”

“This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.”

George W. Bush :
“John Ashcroft, by the way, attributes the way I talk to my religious fervor. In fact, the first time we met, he thought I was talking in tongues.”

Gilbert K. Chesterton
“The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.”

Jay Leno :
The Catholic Church is still very angry about "The Da Vinci Code - they don’t like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.”

Lily Tomlin :
“Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?”

Mae West :
“I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it”

“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.”

Mark Twain :
“In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.”

Napoleon Bonaparte :
“I am surrounded by priests who repeat incessantly that their kingdom is not of this world, and yet they lay their hands on everything they can get.”

“Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.”

Pablo Picasso :
“God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant, and the cat. He has no real style. He just keeps on trying other things.”

Robert Frost :
"Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me."

Ronald Knox :
“A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.”

Woody Allen :
“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your future plans.”

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”

“To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.”