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Quoting the funny Will Rogers :

“There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.”

“I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”

“I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!”

“There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.”

“The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back!”

“Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?”

“Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.”

“If the other fellow sells cheaper than you, it is called dumping. 'Course, if you sell cheaper than him, that's mass production.”

“Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.”

“Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.”

“Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.”

“The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How is the president?"”

“The time to save is now. When a dog gets a bone, he doesn't go out and make a down payment on a bigger bone. He buries the one he's got.”